Pickles

By Juda Maha 😜

A grand jury on August 18 convicted a young boy of creating a weapon of mass destruction. Witnesses reported seeing him at the Sandwich Bar, where he was found making a cheese and pickle sandwich. Upon seeing the awful sandwich, 67 students died. “This weapon could’ve potentially wiped out the human race as we know it,” President Joe Biden said. Just looking at the sandwich alone could kill 45 grown men in a matter of seconds. Juda Maha, the child behind the scheme, has been doing this for at least eight months and has been found guilty of the death of 100 young boys and girls. The mother of the young boy has been in the know for four months. “I didn’t know it was so bad,” she was reported saying before being apprehended by the police. The young boy will spend two life sentences in prison. “I cannot believe Juda would do something like this. I always thought he just made ham and cheese sandwiches, as a normal person would,” an unnamed witness was recorded saying. The boy, being interviewed by CNN had this to say: “ For those who think my pickle sandwich was made for anything besides the death of humanity. You are wrong.” Some of Maha’s drawings were obtained by CNN, one depicting a figure broadcasting an image of a pickle sandwich across the world, killing everyone who viewed it instantly. Another drawing depicts a blueprint of the pickle sandwich, going into graphic detail about its creation.  The notes say that the pickle sandwich was conceived due to the lack of hamburger patties at the school’s sandwich bar. Upon this revelation, some people are claiming Maha’s sandwich is the fault of the school, and not Maha himself. Some are even protesting and starting social media campaigns supporting Maha. Groups have formed, and the country is divided. Pro-Pickle and No-Pickle. The Altamont school has been shut down due to parents taking their children out of the school to minimize the risk of a pickle sandwich. “We don’t want our children to die at the hands of that monster,” a mother of two says. Some Pro-Pickle members have gone to the length of posting images of pickle sandwiches online. This has caused pickle sandwich-related deaths to reach billions. Stores have had to pull pickles off shelves, to minimize the threat of pickle sandwiches. “It isn’t much, but it’s the least we can do,” says Gene Thompson, the manager of a Publix near Maha’s house. This turn of events has caused Grillo’s Pickles, one of America’s top-selling pickle brands, to go bankrupt. The President of Grillo’s Pickles, Adam Kaufman was reported crying and cursing Maha outside of his Hollywood mansion a few days ago. Maha’s father, unprompted, said this about the current situation: “I do not condone my son’s horrific actions. I just wish he would have talked to me instead of doing this.” Some people have questioned his father’s involvement in the fiasco. Another young man, who was a friend of Maha’s, had this to say about the current situation. “I always had a suspicion that he was up to something horrible. Usually, for lunch, he would eat what was on the menu. But some days he would make a sandwich. Whenever he did, he would sit far away from me. He would make me leave if I tried to sit with him. He always said it was ham. I never thought to tell anyone because I did not think much of it. If only I knew.” The original pickle sandwich’s whereabouts are still unknown. Julian Mahaganasan, the aforementioned father of Juda Maha, speculates that Juda Maha destroyed it himself. This theory has no evidence behind it, but it is one of the most common theories.